This is to date,
my first official journal entry.
filled with thoughts deeply seeded.

it is ironic that on this site,
I am a stranger.
The types of people that i have most in common with,
who don't know me....
or fear me.

the ironic part is...
that these are the things,
that make up who i really am.
the thoughts, that those who know me, face to face...
have never seen.

truthfully,

I am a dark child.
born and survived, only due to medical science.
I am a child raised from wires,
my first breaths, through a respirator.
Blind for the first two months of my life.
My first real mother, an incubator.

But I am not alone.
I survive along with my twin brother.


I used to wonder which of us was the good twin.
and which was the evil one.
but now im not so certain there is a good twin.

well I rot on the outside for all to see,
physically disabled.
my twin rots on the inside.
mentally,
for none to see.

and that is only the beginning.


I feel like ive been born,
with a section missing.
a gap within me, that cannot be replaced.

and sometimes i find my self standing within that gap.
in this place.
this hollow, this hole.

in this place; i feel nothing.
how do i describe this feeling.
i am not trying to be poetic.

at the brink of nothing,
as your feet line the edges of a building
you realize this will be your final statement.

and suddenly,
suddenly you realize,
its not a statement.
but maybe only, an exclamation.

i want to make this world a better place.
and so i hide that gap within a shell.
i do all the right things to make that so.
i support and encourage those values that were never
shared with us.
if only because i realize how important they really are.

I try to remind my self that these breaths we take.
were never suppose to be ours. And only out of pure
chance, can we take them now.

but despite all our wishful thinking...
that gap is growing.
i can feel it fracture, and splinter outward.

and despite good intentions and desires.
in a world so full of bull shit,
my Armour begins to chip.

and i will admit, im afraid.

for all good intentions.
for all broken children.

for that final day.
that these cracks,

finally collide.